Utterly Changed for Him - 10 months later

Its almost 2 am. I am so pumped about EVERYTHING. Yes it sounds like I just had coffee and no I didn't. I just finished writing thank you letters to people I love, and supporting a child's christmas in Africa. If I was ever going to be an evangelistic Christian... it would be right now!

This must be what people feel like when they are shouting about the love of Jesus on a street corner.

Okay, so right now... I have a Jesus high, but its amazing how someone can change through trials and time. The last time I blogged I had just joined HPSM and finished my orientation week where David Wray at Healing Place Church, smoked us on giving it all and being ruined for God.

I was praying at the alter with such trepidation about the next few months of my life. I couldn't get excited about it and then I got prayed for by a prayer warrior...I'd rather refer to her as a prayer hero.

So as my prayer Hero was tearing down fear, I was bracing myself for this next ten months. Im now on the other side of it, oh and let me tell you........... it was hard. Probably, emotionally, the hardest ten months of my Jesus lovin life. Separation, insecurity, healing, depression, compression, failure, victories, sifting, helplessness, hopefulness and in the end - Peace.

Words can not fully contain the change and the peace in my heart. Risking vulnerability and allowing people to walk through the battles with you, confronts the very things your afraid of. And you Heal. Instead of my head swimming with I can't, my head is swimming with "How in the world can I be this peaceful, restful, speechless?

Three words baby, Love Of Christ.

Utterly Ruined for Him

Ruined... its the only work I can think of to describe brokenness. To be so messed up by something that your aren't suitable for another purpose. That's my definition.

Today I had the opportunity to spend time serving a family. This dwelling housed apparently over 2o people under one roof. By circumstances of misfortune and lack, life is being lived like this in our neighborhoods.

What touched my heart most today was that some of the adults living in this residence seemed to be disabled or challenged in some way. They were being taken care of in an environment that couldn't take care of its self in today's 'American' standard. Bathrooms had no doors, bedrooms had no space and dishes saw no hot water.

I thought, Lord, what drives people to hopelessness, destitution, depression? I saw one man in a moment of an embarrassing situation, hold his hands over his eyes as if hiding. It took hours for my heart to weep as I thought of how numb you have to become to overcome situations that your never thought you'd be in.

No one grows up and says, I want to be poor. No one grows up and says, I want to starve today, be exposed, abandoned or abused today. So when it happens, you hide. You hide inside yourself every time shame arrives and before long...the expressions on your face are not your own. They are constructed of years of hiding or finding a place to cope with what you feel you cannot change. And then maybe... you never try to leave that place because now, its your life and dreams aren't achievable, hope is deferred and healing is not in your vocabulary. Then, there's Jesus.

How does He heal the hurting? I'm not sure, but I know He does... one day, one action and one moment of grace at a time.

To me... Ruined for the world leaves your stranded and useless. Ruined for Him means the world cant use you alone, but He can and He can use you to change the world.

Two weeks in, one week left...

I probably started this blog four times... at some point before sitting down to type, something philosophical was in my mind. I lost it :)

There is so much going on in my mind and heart. Its hard to come to any destination for a set period of time and not have an expectation of change. Of course the ultimate point to a missions trip is to be of service to the community and to the people around you. Yet I am desperate to walk away a different person.

I'm a feelings junkie, I confess. I may want to feel it, but more importantly I want to live it. How do you relay that message to the Holy Spirit? I think if I scream it out the people in the mountains would be very alarmed :) How do you shake off the old and put on the new, how do you beg your Almighty Father to rain down and change you with water and fire? More so, what does it look like? Feel like?

We've read and even talked about the amazing missionaries, pastors and evangelists who walk with such authority in the name of Jesus Christ....are we willing to pay the same price they are/did? Are we willing to serve our Abba with the same time and surrender and it takes to be empty of self and full of Christ to carry that authority?

I think about this often, I pray that I am willing but my actions will be the test. Lord I need so much help becoming the woman of God my heart desires and hungers for. Help me seek your face and not a feeling.

Amazing Long Term Vison...

... Just so you know.. its not my amazing long term vision... :)

I am always moved and encouraged by other peoples 'amazing long term vision' which will now call a.l.t.v.. :) Today I spent several hours on a mountain in Honduras with two missionaries who are so committed to the vision planted in their heart... they planted Mahogany trees. For those of you who dont know...thats a twenty year commitment before you reap a harvest.

Whether or not that is there intention, the land, which they have only occupied for one year, is teeming with more varieties of fruit and vegetables than I can possibly remember. The goal is to be self supported agriculturally. Why?? It gets better.

This young couple are building small houses to house orphans and abandoned children. Infact the UNICEF statistic is approx. 180,000 children are orphans in Honduras ALONE. Apparently this doenst count abandoned. These amazing visionaries have already built a library, two or three livable homes and are on another with plans to house 40 children. They are setting a standard of small groups that a house mother would stay with each one in the home to create a family atmosphere and live

off the land. They have approx. 100 acres.

If you have a heart for children and what to support, read about or even be an intern (being a house mother or more) check them out at www.givehope2kids.org

I have attached a couple photo's but after 250 pictures (no joke) I still couldnt absorb the intensity and beauty of there dream. In one year they have done more than some do in a life time. I pray they always have more help than they need, the kids that need to be there find the way, and the right house mothers or families are connected with Jason & Sarah.

God Bless their a.l.t.v. and for increasing my faith in what God is doing all over the world!

Whats your a.l.t.v.?

Its sure got me thinking about mine :)

Torn up for Christ

For the last couple days our experience in the mountains has revolved around sorting, bed rest (pulled muscle in my back) and more recently the beach near La Ceiba.

Because we are not a group/team trip, our experience in Honduras is not task driven. We do have places to go and visit, but our pace is more about experiencing life on the mountain. Our service to Healing Hands aka.. Martin and Wendy Williams is more personal. Sorting rooms in the clinic, bagging medicines, whatever blesses them, all the while supporting and visiting Heather as she preps for the states.

Yesterday we took a bus into the city and Scott w/Missionary Ventures International came and picked us up. their ministry is based on the beach near Le Ceiba. Teams visit them also to do many of the same things that teams for Healing Hands do, except in different places.

We visited, toured and rested as there second story villa gives you a straight view of the ocean. It was such a place of rest and peace as Mrs. Susan had decorated the walls with scripture and borders in the main hall consisted of all the names of our precious Jesus.

Here is where my heart began to break. Suddenly Im torn up. Dreamless. Vision less. Empty.

A most bizarre feeling as I realize for all the aspirations and dreams of my youth were gone. What did I want to do with my life? Nothing. Where did I want to go? Nowhere.

For all the years Ive spent desiring to be in other countries or being sent out.. Im finally here, sitting in a hammock chair, swinging in the ocean breeze... and I have no desire to do anything. ........... HELLO? What is going on???

So I say to Heather Stewart just how I feel like blank canvas.. and she says..." God must be about to paint something." Thank God for good Godly friends :)

So here I am feeling undefined, directionless, empty. Crying out... Lord have your way in my heart and life.

On a lighter note.. great pics, great experiences, great people. God is forever awesome and His Glory fills the earth... no really.. Im witnessing it :)

Honduras - Official Day 1

Okay .... Today was great! Laid back and amazing to tour three buildings on the HHIM Clinic "campus." We have the awesome task of trying to organize several rooms and getting the clinic ready for there supply containers!

I have a new fantastic friend named Rachel Williams who is the most amazing 13 year old on the planet! Shes a hugger and a hilarious young lady!

We moved boxes, played with machete's (yes.. I said machete's and they were HUGE) and I found a frog eating cat food... and.. he was the size of a small cat..LOL

Lots of rain, fellowship and now... the hammock... anyone who visits will love the hammocks! *note to self... buy one :)*

Im a bit grimy... but man... My Heart is FULL! Check out the pics on DreamBig Missions facebook! Mary Beth being sassy, Heather making faces and .... the giant frog.. Im obsessed with the giant frog :)

Landing in Honduras

My Friends,
I cannot entirely express the amazing beauty of this country. Yesterday we flew from the United States to San Pedro Sulu. It took a connecting flight to arrive, but after land, ocean and amazing clouds.. we arrived. We got tickets for a local air plane and spent our 3 hour layover on the floor of a foreign airport chillin and visiting.

We boarded a small plane by walking out to it and going up the stairs like you see on tv J And twenty amazing mins later (which was a three hour bus trip if we hadn’t opted to fly) we arrived in La Ceiba. Right after we landed and our luggage was unloaded it began to storm ferociously! It was amazingly beautiful! Rain and storming against plush green mountains!

After picking up our luggage we walked out and hugged the neck of our dear friend Heather Stewart! We jumped into a truck and started our one hour trek up the mountain. It slowly turned from light to dark as we climbed a few thousand feet. All I can say… It was amazing!